Do you ever feel like you have no clue what God is doing, but you know it is something?? Wow...it makes me so excited!! Like really exciting! I want to tell all of you what God is speaking to me about and things that I need prayer for.
A few years ago, I sat down with my mom and dad, and we made goals for ourselves. They included personal and spiritual goals. I would like to say that I met all of those goals in a year, but even though they stayed on the refrigerator all year, I didn't. This New Year's Eve was different for me. I decided to spend some time praying about what God wanted of me instead of what I wanted. In just a short hour of prayer, God had revealed to me so much. I am still processing all of it after almost a month.
First of all, the overall thing that God has spoken to me about is trust. I have always felt like I am a trusting person. I am open, and I allow people into my life and heart very quickly. This has sometimes even got me into trouble. ha. It has been interesting to me to see that this is where God is teaching me the most. I remember telling God as I was praying, "But I do trust You. I left my family and went to War for two years. I have tried to make my decisions on what You have for me. I know You will bring me the man that you have for me someday. I will go anywhere You want me to go because...I do TRUST You." I knew that there was more to it though. The past several weeks, God has been showing me that yes...I am learning what it means to trust God; however, my actions do not always match my heart.
I have been quick to worry which is exactly the opposite of trust. I worry about where I'll be next year, what kids I will be with, if I will be alone or with a friend. I worry that I may be single too long or forever. I worry that I will have to go alone to some crazy place. Oh wait...God has already showed me how that will go. When talking to my best friend, Laura, the other night. She reminded me that I didn't know anyone when I came to War. I remember not being worried because I knew that God was with me. He blessed abundantly and has given me a roommate, neighbors, and friends that love Him and want to use their lives to serve Him. Thinking about two years ago and how God has molded me and grown me closer to Him...and provided for EVERY need, has helped me to see that I have nothing to be afraid of. It is silly actually to not trust Him. I know this in my heart, and when I take myself away from everything and focus on Him, I am confident in His love and provision...and I want nothing else.
God has shown me that even though we are getting somewhere with this trust, He wants more. He wants all of me. He has been revealing to me things in my lifestyle that need a drastic change. For instance, going to bed an hour earlier so that I can wake up an hour earlier and spend that time with Him instead of squeezing Him into my teaching schedule. He has shown me through my finances how I need to trust Him more. He has shown me with relationships especially how I need to trust Him more.
This year I know is going to be an adventure and full of ups and downs like other years. However, I really believe that God is up to something so big, and I am thrilled to be a part of it!
Another thing that I have been thinking and praying about the past few weeks is what is that "next step." It goes with the trust issue. Since I was a junior in high school, I have felt a very specific calling from Jesus on my life. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He has called me to not have a "normal life." He has opened my eyes to a hurting world that He loves. Faces of children that are living in poverty are forever ingrained in my mind. Farida, my compassion child, is a constant reminder of this as well. Well, thinking about it and praying about it is awesome. But Jesus commands us to GO. We must put feet to our faith. I think of Moses at the Red Sea and God basically tells him, "Moses, what are you waiting for! GO" I feel this way. I've asked for confirmation and guidance. My passion for the world and God's people has only increased. Nothing gets my blood flowing more than talking about it. As I've reflected over this, it only makes sense to take the next step in pursing what I believe God is leading me towards.
As some of you know, since 2006 when I traveled to Burkina Faso, I have had a new passion for education. I've seen with my eyes what happens when education is lacking. Poverty shows its nasty face and links that person and family into the heavy chain that doesn't seem to be broken. I remember visiting schools that were barely existing, and there weren't trained teachers to really help educate the kids. I also remember leaving my doors of the beautiful international school that I taught at in 2008 and seeing children everywhere who spent their days trying to scrape some money for them and their family. This is not the way God designed it. The more I read the Gospels, the more I am convinced that we are responsible for helping these people. I know I am. He has given me these experiences and this knowledge and passion for a reason. More than to think about it.
The past two years of teaching has been challenging and a learning experience. I had no clue what teaching was...really till this year. I'm still learning, and I love it. Everything about it...well almost. I know that I have been given this as a way to reach children one by one. I've seen the impact that a kind word can make on a child. I've also seen the reality of being a light in darkness. It is indescribable. Through working in the school system, I've thought about what that next step is professionally. I know I want to get my masters degree...but in what? My dream since Burkina in 2006 has been to help give children access to education. I didn't know what that looks like, but I know that is a step in letting kids know that they are valuable and have so much potential in God's eyes. I've told a lot of people about this dream. My thoughts were that maybe I could help start house schools where there would be foster parents for the kids and an education. I don't know even who it was, but someone told me about a year ago that I should look into curriculum. I thought about this. Well, a year later, I am looking into a Master's Degree that will be in Curriculum Development and Instruction. There are several universities that offer this (including many with online classes). This degree would basically help me go into schools that already exist and are struggling. I would hopefully be able to stay for an extended amount of time where I would train teachers in instruction, review the curriculum and make changes where needed, and help to get the school being a success one where students are learning and being loved in the process. Oh...and hearing about this great Father!! :) It still seems like this is a far off process, but I want to move in this direction and feel more and more like this is something God has lead me to.
So...what Grad School. Still in the beginning stages of that, but I have started to apply to two so far and will be looking into several others that have a program like this. One is Youngstown State. I had been thinking about coming home next year to start paying off my school loans more aggressively so that I could go overseas sooner. However, I know that I need much more training. I want to teach still while I pursue my degree. I miss my family and being a part of their lives so much. I don't know what the future holds, so I would love to spend a year or two being together as after that, I may be overseas or somewhere else in the States. When I realized that YSU has an amazing program for Curriculum and Instruction and that it is super inexpensive compared to others I looked at, I have been somewhat excited..okay a lot. I am praying about this. I don't want to go home due to my selfishness.
The other option would be to take online courses somewhere and either stay in War or teach somewhere else. At this point, I don't have a specific place in mind. I have spent this day in prayer and want to continue to do that as I have the time...SNOW DAY!! :)
Getting back to the trust issue. I know that God knows where I'll be. He knows how I will get there as well. I love this! There are a lot of changes that I want to make to put actions to my trust. This is a daily process for me. Please pray that I would be obedient to whatever God has for me. I truly am excited about what that is. My flesh gets scared at time, but my heart knows better. Please pray that God would be so clear to me what the "next step" is. Pray that I would hear that still, small voice. I only want to go where He wants me.
Also, please pray for one of my students. He came late into the year...probably early October. He is one of the sweetest boys his age and one of my top students. Total joy. I've heard rumors that he has had a difficult life and that he has been in and out of shelters for years....so he has moved schools a lot. Well, I loved having him as a student, and last Thursday was his last day. His father is now in jail, so his family is moving back to the shelter. I miss him so much, and it has been really difficult for me to know he didn't want to go and that he is so affected by other people's actions. Please pray that this sweet little boy will keep his determination and be reminded of His heavenly Father that is consistent and never changes.
I was going to apologize for the length of this blog...but I realized almost all of them are this long. I want to write some highlights from my class soon and some funny stories. Coming soon!
Love to you all. My hope is that today you experience God's love and that you can share it with someone else. :)
