Sometimes I am overwhelmed with hurt and pain that others experience...
I am sensitive and feel other's hurts...
I want to change things and make things easier...
I want peace...
Today I am reminded of my Father and how His heart must break constantly for His children. My prayer since I have been here this year has been to give me the eyes and heart of Jesus. Not that I am to that point, but I believe God has allowed me to feel some of that pain. I'm thankful, humbled, and broken.
This afternoon I had a meeting with the parents of one of my students. This boy is very behind in all academic areas, and I am trying to get him some extra help that I feel he needs. I should first mention that I know that he has a rough home life. He is constantly asking for any type of food, his clothing is usually not the cleanest, and he is socially behind in many skills. Also, about two weeks ago I met with his grandparents...who he lives with. During that conversation, they belittled him in front of me. The word "dummy" came up several times. Needless to say, I could easily see why my little guy is so frustrated and constantly tells me that he is not smart and can't do his work. Well, today I met with the mom and her live-in boyfriend. When introduced, she said that she had already met me...which was not true. Then, she asked me if he was in third grade. Wow. The school has paperwork that the parents must fill out in this process, and some of it they could not read. One part asked if he was retained before. They didn't know. I was overwhelmed....this is his mother...who wants custody back. She went on to tell me that I should just sit this boy by himself and punish him if he doesn't do his work. It was the first time that I felt like I was able to fight for my kids in a parent meeting. I knew that I had my principal's support, so I explained what I thought. I told them how I thought he was discouraged and just needed people to believe in him. Yes...he does need extra help academically. However, he needs a lot more than learning his basic facts. I left the meeting upset that some people are parents. Later, I talked with this student and found out that this boyfriend of his mother's hits him and kicks him. He told me that he hopes he doesn't have to go back home with them.
I am at loss for words most days when I hear something about my kids. This is just one story out of 22. Some days I think, "God, why would you put such a sheltered girl like me into a room full of kids that experience hell on earth daily?" I still don't know why fully. I just know that I'm called to love them. I do. So much that it hurts.
There are only fourteen more days of school left with my little ones. I have to admit that I am relieved to be done with all of the behavior problems that come with my job. However, I will miss them like crazy. My prayer is that God would continue to open opportunities for me to share my faith with them. I am so thankful that He has already made this possible numerous times this year. They know who I am and why I am that way. They know that I have hope. I want this for them! Please pray for my kids and that God would replace the anger and hatred they feel with love.
Even though their lives seem like they can't change and that there are so many things against them...which there are...God is bigger! He is not willing that ONE should perish. He is full of compassion and love. He can move mountains and change a heart of stone. So thankful tonight that I have a God who is mighty to save!!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Grace Like Rain
Today I decided that since I have thirty days exactly till I have to fit into a bridesmaid dress for Amanda and DK's wedding...exercising is a must. Earlier this week...Monday...I broke my toe. Well, it was feeling much better, and I was craving a good run where I could just pray and spend some time with God. It started pouring rain as I got ready. I contemplated staying nice and dry...but I decided that I didn't care...let it rain on me. As I was running, I was reminded of the song, "Grace Like Rain." It talks about how Jesus's grace is so overflowing that it soaks us like rain. As I was literally dripping wet by the end of my run, I was thrilled with the thought of my Father. So thankful today for the rain and its reminder.
This week ended okay. I took a sick day yesterday so that I could go to the doctors since I am sick of being sick. It has been almost 5 weeks that I've had this cold, and it does not want to go away. Well, now I am on a strong antibiotic...so hopefully that will do the trick. Last night as many of you Ohio people know....the CAVS played game 6. This game I knew would be a big deal, so I didn't want to miss it. Since we don't have a TV, Laura and I decided to drive to Bluefield in hopes of catching the game somewhere....well, I don't know how much Laura was hoping for that! ha! On our way there, I got stopped by the police. I was speeding. I honestly didn't know that I was since I thought that the speed limit was different. Who knew there were cops in War anyways? This was the first time that I've been pulled over, so I was hoping that I would get a warning...nope. Well, this basically threw me into a mess, and I thought about what the heck the Lord is trying to show me. It seems like Satan is trying to attack me in every area of life. I find myself saying to the Lord daily, "seriously?!?" I cannot believe all of this most days, and it seems like things just keep piling on. Well, after I calmed down a little, we got to watch the game at Applebee's and then at Sara's house. Unfortunately, this did not have a good ending. I could not believe how upset I was. No matter how many times I kept telling myself that this was just a game, I couldn't help but take it so personal. Yes...I even did shed a few tears. Ridiculous, I know! Last night we did not deserve to win. However, I know that we are a team that has the ability to play AMAZING, and last night was c.r.a.p.! So, we will now wait and see what happens next year. I am really hoping that Bron Bron stays! I love these boys and their sense of unity. I am also sad that I have to wait a long time to see my boys play again. There is always next year....I still love them!
So...yeah...last night was rough.
And honestly...today at school was rough and my kids were driving me crazy with their behavior and lack of respect. BUT....God has flooded me with His grace. It shows up EVERYWHERE!!! I'm so thankful for that today! :)
This week ended okay. I took a sick day yesterday so that I could go to the doctors since I am sick of being sick. It has been almost 5 weeks that I've had this cold, and it does not want to go away. Well, now I am on a strong antibiotic...so hopefully that will do the trick. Last night as many of you Ohio people know....the CAVS played game 6. This game I knew would be a big deal, so I didn't want to miss it. Since we don't have a TV, Laura and I decided to drive to Bluefield in hopes of catching the game somewhere....well, I don't know how much Laura was hoping for that! ha! On our way there, I got stopped by the police. I was speeding. I honestly didn't know that I was since I thought that the speed limit was different. Who knew there were cops in War anyways? This was the first time that I've been pulled over, so I was hoping that I would get a warning...nope. Well, this basically threw me into a mess, and I thought about what the heck the Lord is trying to show me. It seems like Satan is trying to attack me in every area of life. I find myself saying to the Lord daily, "seriously?!?" I cannot believe all of this most days, and it seems like things just keep piling on. Well, after I calmed down a little, we got to watch the game at Applebee's and then at Sara's house. Unfortunately, this did not have a good ending. I could not believe how upset I was. No matter how many times I kept telling myself that this was just a game, I couldn't help but take it so personal. Yes...I even did shed a few tears. Ridiculous, I know! Last night we did not deserve to win. However, I know that we are a team that has the ability to play AMAZING, and last night was c.r.a.p.! So, we will now wait and see what happens next year. I am really hoping that Bron Bron stays! I love these boys and their sense of unity. I am also sad that I have to wait a long time to see my boys play again. There is always next year....I still love them!
So...yeah...last night was rough.
And honestly...today at school was rough and my kids were driving me crazy with their behavior and lack of respect. BUT....God has flooded me with His grace. It shows up EVERYWHERE!!! I'm so thankful for that today! :)
Monday, May 3, 2010
When I don't know the right words to say
Being an extrovert and always having something to say, lately I have found myself in a strange position...speechless. I constantly have thoughts running through my head, but I have not been able to make sense of most of them. I have attempted to blog many times, but I've been too overwhelmed to get my thoughts down. So...I apologize in advance.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I believe I have mentioned before in my blog that I have always dreamed of teaching. Now that I have reached that dream, I feel somewhat like I don't know what else there is. Not that teaching is not enough, but I don't feel like that is the only thing that God has called me to. Actually, I am quite certain of that. As many of you know, I felt called into full time ministry in 2004, when I was a junior in high school. Since then, I have been trying to walk obedient in God's will. This year God has truly opened my eyes in ways that I cannot describe. First of all, I now do not feel just a heart for overseas missions like I did before. God has allowed me to witness a close to home mission field. Also, I have continually prayed since I've been in WV that God would give me His eyes and His heart for these people...especially my little ones. Well, praise be to God! He has done this. My heart has been broken over and over for these kids. However, I have recently been struggling with what the next step is. They know who I am and that I love them very much...in a different way. Lately my heart has been saying that isn't enough. I've been praying about what this next step is and whether or not that involves staying another year or not.
My heart is at this point full of uncertainty...well about everything except for being certain of God and His love. God has lead me to War this year for a reason. Some days I can understand that purpose more than other days. So, now I am trying to ask Him if this was a one year thing or if I am here for the long haul...(which means at least another year). Honestly, the thought of another full year here is more than my mind and heart can bear. But God will give me the strength to get through one day at a time if that is His plan. The past few weeks, I have sought God on this and asked for clarity. All that I feel like He has made clear to me is to TRUST and REST. There are still no job postings at the school and there are many things here in my life that are in question. So, even if I wanted to, I couldn't make a clear choice at this point. But, I want to. My personality that clings to order and stability wants to know. Through these past few weeks, God has reminded me of many decision points in my life. In each of these, He has come in the eleventh hour. And in each of these, He has made the decision crystal clear and closed the other options. So....I am currently reminding myself that I am to cast my cares and worries on Him and not try to figure this out. I will be doing my part the best I know how....I will apply to any spots here that come up and also to ones at home. At this point, my heart is not feeling led anywhere else. So I will wait for Him. Did I mention I sometimes stink at that?!? Please pray for me!
Also, lately my heart for overseas missions has been stirred once again. I still don't know to what extent or how or even when overseas missions will play in my life...but it has to be there. It is my passion. My heart beats and feels purpose when I hear about passages like Matthew 25 or think about the world and its need for Jesus...for hope. I've been searching lately for God's heart on the lost people. The pastor that I am currently sitting under believes in predestination. I am greatly struggling with this and with other issues. I believe that God is all knowing and all powerful. He changes a heart of stone. I've been wrestling with a lot of questions lately. Why does He choose to change some hearts and not others? Will those who have never heard be held responsible? Well, I don't know exactly how I feel about these. But I'm continuing to search. What I keep finding is that I serve a compassionate warrior. He is full of love and full of justice. He is not willing that one should perish because He created each person in His own likeness. That to me solves the question of predestination. As far as the questions about those who have not heard. The Great Commission is huge. It is for ALL believers. Also, Acts 1:8 reminds us that we are to go into all of the world with the Gospel. One of my favorite parts of scripture is in 1 Corinthians 9...when Paul tells us that we need to lose ourselves and do what we need to for the sake of the Gospel and that others may share in its blessings...its HOPE. In my heart, I believe that Jesus made us disciples and followers of His for more than what our minds can comprehend. We need to be more than "examples" to those around us. He wants to use us in mighty ways for His glory. I want to be used and sent where He wants me. I am so sick of myself and my emotions and attachments to this world coming in the way of His plan. I do believe that all will be held responsible. So Christians...we MUST wake up! There are people in front of us and millions of miles away that need Jesus. WE (me at the top of the list) must put ourselves last and remember that this life is but a vapor. I long to be filled with purpose daily...of who I am spending eternity with.
I am thankful for this time of searching. I believe God is with me and wants to show me more of Himself. But that doesn't mean it isn't difficult and sometimes painful. It involves me letting go more and more of my control. That is truly what I want though. I want more of my Father. I want to be the woman that makes Him smile.
Speaking of smiling...I should tell you about this weekend. Mom and Dad came to War to visit and to meet my kiddos. They got here on Saturday when they got to meet all of the friends that God has so richly blessed me with this year. We all had a wonderful dinner together in Bluefield. Then, Sunday was Mother's Day. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to spend the day with my mom on this day. It was the first time in 5 years that we have been together because of college. What a joy to praise Jesus side by side. Her life means so much to me. I attribute who I am as a woman and who I am in the Lord to my mother. Her faith in God and her daily example to me challenges me to be the woman that God created me to be. She is my hero, and I cannot thank God enough for giving me my mom...my best friend. I love you, Momma! On Monday, Mom and Dad spent the day with me in my classroom. I think that they were a little shocked at what they saw. But they fell instantly in love with those kids like I have. They were a huge hit with my kids, and I know that they will be the talk of the class for the remainder of the year. One of my boys said to me,"I can see where you get your looks because your Mom is hot." I set him straight that she is beautiful! Oh, and two different people thought we were sisters this weekend. And, one of my boys also didn't think that they could be my real parents since he thought they looked so young. Besides the fact that they are too cute....I am so proud to be their daughter. Their love and support for me overwhelms me. They headed back home this morning, so I guess it is back to reality for me. The long haul isn't so long anymore. I will be home very soon. Thank you so much Mom and Dad for spending your time, money, and energy to love others. It means so much to me, and once again I am filled with thankfulness.
Well, I figured that I would end with a little more specific updates from my classroom lately.
I'll start with...thank You, God for getting me through the past two weeks...the longest and hardest ones that I've faced this year. Here are some of the rough spots from the past two weeks:
-I had the "b word" (as my kids would say) written with marker on my desk chair. I was furious!
-I had a kid get in my face and scream at me, followed by him throwing a chair.
-My special education boy that I was helping at his desk, tried to cut my hair. Thank goodness for dull kid scissors!
-I have not been able to kick this cold since Easter, so many days I have almost lost my voice and felt miserable during the day.
-I have had several parent meetings that seem to not be getting anywhere with regards to their kids' behavior
-My kids' behavior is starting to get out of control with the warmer weather, and I've left many days feeling like a failure due to the lack of learning happening.
-I broke my little toe by accidentally running into the door jam...so I don't know if running will be in my near future plans.
So...God has still been faithful, even in the rough times:
-Gigi is fixed after 2 months of having her parked and is running great (that is my car)!
-Most days have been full of beautiful sunshine
-God has reminded me of His love daily
-I have some amazing friends
-I am blessed beyond measure!
-I got my first Mother's Day card from one of my students who thanked me for acting like a mom to her. Wow...my heart was touched.
-I have been able to watch most of the CAVS games!!
Please pray that I would continue to seek Jesus' face in the midst of many upcoming decisions. Pray that I would finish this last month of teaching being more than a teacher. I ask that you would pray that God would bring His clarity to me...in His timing. Please pray that I would accept that and be obedient while I wait. Thanks for once again listening to my heart. It means so much to me!
Much love.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I believe I have mentioned before in my blog that I have always dreamed of teaching. Now that I have reached that dream, I feel somewhat like I don't know what else there is. Not that teaching is not enough, but I don't feel like that is the only thing that God has called me to. Actually, I am quite certain of that. As many of you know, I felt called into full time ministry in 2004, when I was a junior in high school. Since then, I have been trying to walk obedient in God's will. This year God has truly opened my eyes in ways that I cannot describe. First of all, I now do not feel just a heart for overseas missions like I did before. God has allowed me to witness a close to home mission field. Also, I have continually prayed since I've been in WV that God would give me His eyes and His heart for these people...especially my little ones. Well, praise be to God! He has done this. My heart has been broken over and over for these kids. However, I have recently been struggling with what the next step is. They know who I am and that I love them very much...in a different way. Lately my heart has been saying that isn't enough. I've been praying about what this next step is and whether or not that involves staying another year or not.
My heart is at this point full of uncertainty...well about everything except for being certain of God and His love. God has lead me to War this year for a reason. Some days I can understand that purpose more than other days. So, now I am trying to ask Him if this was a one year thing or if I am here for the long haul...(which means at least another year). Honestly, the thought of another full year here is more than my mind and heart can bear. But God will give me the strength to get through one day at a time if that is His plan. The past few weeks, I have sought God on this and asked for clarity. All that I feel like He has made clear to me is to TRUST and REST. There are still no job postings at the school and there are many things here in my life that are in question. So, even if I wanted to, I couldn't make a clear choice at this point. But, I want to. My personality that clings to order and stability wants to know. Through these past few weeks, God has reminded me of many decision points in my life. In each of these, He has come in the eleventh hour. And in each of these, He has made the decision crystal clear and closed the other options. So....I am currently reminding myself that I am to cast my cares and worries on Him and not try to figure this out. I will be doing my part the best I know how....I will apply to any spots here that come up and also to ones at home. At this point, my heart is not feeling led anywhere else. So I will wait for Him. Did I mention I sometimes stink at that?!? Please pray for me!
Also, lately my heart for overseas missions has been stirred once again. I still don't know to what extent or how or even when overseas missions will play in my life...but it has to be there. It is my passion. My heart beats and feels purpose when I hear about passages like Matthew 25 or think about the world and its need for Jesus...for hope. I've been searching lately for God's heart on the lost people. The pastor that I am currently sitting under believes in predestination. I am greatly struggling with this and with other issues. I believe that God is all knowing and all powerful. He changes a heart of stone. I've been wrestling with a lot of questions lately. Why does He choose to change some hearts and not others? Will those who have never heard be held responsible? Well, I don't know exactly how I feel about these. But I'm continuing to search. What I keep finding is that I serve a compassionate warrior. He is full of love and full of justice. He is not willing that one should perish because He created each person in His own likeness. That to me solves the question of predestination. As far as the questions about those who have not heard. The Great Commission is huge. It is for ALL believers. Also, Acts 1:8 reminds us that we are to go into all of the world with the Gospel. One of my favorite parts of scripture is in 1 Corinthians 9...when Paul tells us that we need to lose ourselves and do what we need to for the sake of the Gospel and that others may share in its blessings...its HOPE. In my heart, I believe that Jesus made us disciples and followers of His for more than what our minds can comprehend. We need to be more than "examples" to those around us. He wants to use us in mighty ways for His glory. I want to be used and sent where He wants me. I am so sick of myself and my emotions and attachments to this world coming in the way of His plan. I do believe that all will be held responsible. So Christians...we MUST wake up! There are people in front of us and millions of miles away that need Jesus. WE (me at the top of the list) must put ourselves last and remember that this life is but a vapor. I long to be filled with purpose daily...of who I am spending eternity with.
I am thankful for this time of searching. I believe God is with me and wants to show me more of Himself. But that doesn't mean it isn't difficult and sometimes painful. It involves me letting go more and more of my control. That is truly what I want though. I want more of my Father. I want to be the woman that makes Him smile.
Speaking of smiling...I should tell you about this weekend. Mom and Dad came to War to visit and to meet my kiddos. They got here on Saturday when they got to meet all of the friends that God has so richly blessed me with this year. We all had a wonderful dinner together in Bluefield. Then, Sunday was Mother's Day. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to spend the day with my mom on this day. It was the first time in 5 years that we have been together because of college. What a joy to praise Jesus side by side. Her life means so much to me. I attribute who I am as a woman and who I am in the Lord to my mother. Her faith in God and her daily example to me challenges me to be the woman that God created me to be. She is my hero, and I cannot thank God enough for giving me my mom...my best friend. I love you, Momma! On Monday, Mom and Dad spent the day with me in my classroom. I think that they were a little shocked at what they saw. But they fell instantly in love with those kids like I have. They were a huge hit with my kids, and I know that they will be the talk of the class for the remainder of the year. One of my boys said to me,"I can see where you get your looks because your Mom is hot." I set him straight that she is beautiful! Oh, and two different people thought we were sisters this weekend. And, one of my boys also didn't think that they could be my real parents since he thought they looked so young. Besides the fact that they are too cute....I am so proud to be their daughter. Their love and support for me overwhelms me. They headed back home this morning, so I guess it is back to reality for me. The long haul isn't so long anymore. I will be home very soon. Thank you so much Mom and Dad for spending your time, money, and energy to love others. It means so much to me, and once again I am filled with thankfulness.
Well, I figured that I would end with a little more specific updates from my classroom lately.
I'll start with...thank You, God for getting me through the past two weeks...the longest and hardest ones that I've faced this year. Here are some of the rough spots from the past two weeks:
-I had the "b word" (as my kids would say) written with marker on my desk chair. I was furious!
-I had a kid get in my face and scream at me, followed by him throwing a chair.
-My special education boy that I was helping at his desk, tried to cut my hair. Thank goodness for dull kid scissors!
-I have not been able to kick this cold since Easter, so many days I have almost lost my voice and felt miserable during the day.
-I have had several parent meetings that seem to not be getting anywhere with regards to their kids' behavior
-My kids' behavior is starting to get out of control with the warmer weather, and I've left many days feeling like a failure due to the lack of learning happening.
-I broke my little toe by accidentally running into the door jam...so I don't know if running will be in my near future plans.
So...God has still been faithful, even in the rough times:
-Gigi is fixed after 2 months of having her parked and is running great (that is my car)!
-Most days have been full of beautiful sunshine
-God has reminded me of His love daily
-I have some amazing friends
-I am blessed beyond measure!
-I got my first Mother's Day card from one of my students who thanked me for acting like a mom to her. Wow...my heart was touched.
-I have been able to watch most of the CAVS games!!
Please pray that I would continue to seek Jesus' face in the midst of many upcoming decisions. Pray that I would finish this last month of teaching being more than a teacher. I ask that you would pray that God would bring His clarity to me...in His timing. Please pray that I would accept that and be obedient while I wait. Thanks for once again listening to my heart. It means so much to me!
Much love.
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