It has been so long since my last blog that I'm not really sure where to start.
I guess I'll start by saying that I had a wonderful spring/Easter break at home in O-H-I-O with my family. During this time, I spent half of the break chasing around a seventeen month old that brings amazing joy to my life. Dylan is no longer a little baby...he is a busy little man. He wore his aunt out after several days of running around, but I cannot get enough of him and his precious smile. We are so blessed to get to have him in our lives! I am greatly looking forward to this summer when I can be a full-time aunt! :) Other than time with my Dilly Bar, I got to watch some good movies, relax on the couch, watch the CAVS play, and be surrounded by my favorite people in the world. Pictures will be coming soon! :)
So, I'm back in War. I feel like I am, too. I had a really tough time leaving home this break knowing that I was coming back to such a difficult position. It is a daily struggle to keep positive and keep my energy up. With my own strength, it doesn't work. And I truly believe that is why things aren't as good as I know they could be. I am leaning a lot on myself and my abilities and sometimes forget that it is ALL about God and that without Him I am nothing. I have been hearing Him say a lot this week, "Less of Amanda and more of ME!" Each day this week I have went in with a smile and tried to challenge and love these little ones. Well, today I think I failed. I should probably back up to the fact that I am pretty sick with a cold in my lungs. Thanks Ohio for snowing a random day during break! I still love you though! Anyways, today I felt miserable, and I probably should not have even been at school. Well, I asked the kids to help me out today since I was feeling so crappy...and they didn't. In fact they were absolutely wild. After coming out of a meeting at the end of the day to find that three of my kids were in fights during music, I was done. Hardly anything academic got done today because I couldn't get the kids to get on task. I felt all day like a failure. Once the last kid left I just broke down. Some days are just too much. There is so much heartache in my classroom, and they act out because they are screaming for attention. I realized when I calmed down that I'm not even upset at the kids and their behaviors...I'm broken for them. And I don't know how to help. Days like this I feel so inadequate and wonder why God brought me here. I asked Him that today. I only have 37 more days of school and my kids are still acting like this. Why God? What have I done for You by being here? I honestly don't know the full answers to these questions, but God did remind me that love is powerful. That LOVE conquers all. But why is that sometimes not enough for me?
Today I was reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" and Chambers said that God often makes things tough for us so that we can be in fellowship with Him. Then, when we get to the tough part, we start complaining and whining. This is me.
(When I was at home with my family, things were comfortable and familiar. I know how to succeed at home. I realized at the end of the break, that I pushed my time with God almost out the window while I was home. It made me so upset at myself because when I'm in War I can't live without Him. I crave His word and our daily time together. Why do I fool myself by thinking I have things under control the moment I step back into comfort? I'm glad that I had this realization now before I got home for summer....or this could be very dangerous. )
Anyways...back to today's reading...in the midst of our complaining, we wish that we were like others...without the burden. However, God gives those He loves burdens to carry...so that we can give them back to Him and become more reliant on Him. Some just understand this concept better and don't complain but see only the joy of the Lord. These people still have burdens, we just don't see them...we see Jesus. This is who I want to be. Inside I am complaining loudly...GOD....WHY AM I HERE?!?!? I COULD BE AT HOME WITH MY FAMILY AND TEACHING IN A SCHOOL WHERE KIDS CARE ABOUT SCHOOL AND WANT TO LEARN!!! WHY WV GOD?!??! YOU PICKED THE WRONG GIRL FOR THIS JOB...IT IS TOO HARD!!!! And today God told me to give Him this burden and to STOP complaining. God is longing to be closer to me, and I am pushing Him away by not accepting what He has given me. So silly huh? Especially when He promises to give us what we need. I thought of Moses and how He kept telling God that he wasn't the man for this job. But, God saw otherwise. He knew that He would give Moses everything that he could possibly need. He knew that he wanted an ordinary man to do something extraordinary....it would give Him more glory. Well, this is my class. It is a huge task...not obviously like freeing the Israelites from bondage of course...but it is more than Amanda can deal with! So, I am trusting once again tonight that God is in control and that He has me with these kids for a reason.
Please pray that I can get rid of the pride that I have. I want so much for these kids to learn. Sometimes I think that I get caught up in what other teachers and the administration see me and my class as...crazy. I take it really personal. Why should I care what they think? Pray that I think about the best interest of each of my kids. Also, please pray for the final burst of endurance. 37 more days to go, and I want to finish strong! Finally, please pray for next year. I am trying to take one day at a time, but I know that next fall is not that far away. At this point, I am praying about whether not to apply here for another year or not. I want God's will...and I want to be so in tune with Him that it is clear what He wants. Pray for listening ears for me.
Well, off to bed I go. Tomorrow I am taking my first sick day. I am greatly looking foward to the day with my bed and Jesus. :)
